Italy

The trick with Italy is to ignore the fact that it has been run by crooks since time immemorial. Ignore the fact that it has a borderline fascist immigration policy – and that a healthy percentage of the population want to step right over that line and start goose-stepping down the Appian Way. Again. Ignore Berlusconi and the Northern League. Ignore the fact that the mafia run most of the south. Ignore the crime and corruption that permeate every level of society and wreck the lives of the decent majority of citizens. Ignore the vice-like grip  that the Catholic church has on the whole country (and its heavy emphasis on vice).

Or, if you can’t manage that, laugh and say: “Well, the thing you have to understand about Italians is that they are like children. Okay, they aren’t very good at queueing and sometimes have discipline issues, but they bring such joy to everything they do.” This should be followed with further patronising talk about big mothers, big dinners and how much the waiters love babies…

… And so, allow a gingham table cloth to flutter down over the sordid ground. Spread on it plates brimming with porcini, pecorino, and pannini. Drink lush, blushful red wine. Guzzle cold gelato. Lie under the hot son.  Look out over the blue, blue sea. Could there be a finer land on God’s earth? And the properties round here are so cheap! There’s one with a medieval fresco in it just down the road. The locals would probably tear it down if we don’t buy it… Okay we’ll have to pay a few people a few backhanders to smooth things over with the contracts. But it’s worth it for the purity of the sky, the richness of the olive oil, the freshness of the basil. Ah Italy. They do things so much better here.