In conversation, it is important to recognise that cars are an outmoded system of transport incompatible with today’s environmental concerns – and that you even think they are impractical thanks to the impossibility of negotiating British traffic. You much prefer the train. And you cycle as much as possible.
In practice, it is important to realise that it’s everyone else that is causing the problem, the roads would be fine if everyone drove like you and that you can hardly be expected to take the kids – and all your stuff! – on the train.
The motor vehicle’s value as a status symbol is also undeniable. Your car is who you are. It is here, that the different shades of middle class life are seen most clearly.
So, for instance, if you are a complete wanker, you must drive a BMW. Nothing says it more cleanly and effectively. BMWs also present the considerable advantage that the rules of the road do not apply to those who drive them. In a BMW, it is perfectly acceptable – expected even – that you will overtake other road users on both sides. There are no speed limits. Red lights merely apply to drivers with inferior brakes, acceleration and handling. Hard shoulders are there to allow you to drive past traffic jams. Some of your more gentle middle class friends will decry your choice of vehicle. But you can answer them by leaving them for dust.
If you are a bit rich and a bit of a psycho, there is no better way to demonstrate it than to buy a large 4 x 4. These are also especially useful when it comes to navigating unhindered the obstacles presented by the urban landscape, such as speed bumps, cyclists and small children. (If you do intend to run over a child, it is generally expected that you do so while talking on your mobile phone lest any unpleasant sounds intrude.)
If you are a loser, drive a Rover.
If you are a secular saint and actually really do not drive, make sure that you let everybody else know. Offer a sad smile when others talk of car journeys, say something modest about “doing your bit” and talk at length about how it might have taken you three days to get outside the orbit of the M25, but at least you got a real feeling for distance and how you’ve recently come to believe that travelling is almost as important as arriving.
At this point you will generally discover that you are standing alone.
Audi is the new BMW I find
Is that so… maybe I should add them?
What car do you drive, Sam?
I drive a Dadmobile.
Although in that picture I’m in an Oldsmobile Alero; a car that has the cornering ability of tectonic plates.
What’s it called though? I can’t remember. C’mon, don’t be ashamed.
A Peugeot Partner.
ROFL – such a lame name…
haha! My penis is small too! You can tell because of my car!
I have the ultimate Dadmobile – the Citroen Picasso. It accelerates like a middle-aged uncle, rising wearily from an armchair.
I bought it for two reasons:
1. We have seating for my mother so that she can share the tedium (and expense) of a day out with the children
2. My wife is under the impression that she will be permanently damaging our sons unless she packs at least three suitcases’ worth of toys when we go to her mothers. There is so much boot space that you could kidnap a royal family without alerting anyone.
Steerforth! I’m honoured that you’ve commented here. By coincidence I’ve just filed a blog that borrows* heavily from one of yours with my other home at the Guardian… With any luck it should be posted there quite soon. Will visit The Age Of Uncertainty and drop an alert when it goes up.
Meanwhile, I very much like the middle-aged uncle acceleration metaphor. I’ve been trying to make something about glaciars work, but that’s much better… And boot space is so essential is it not? Otherwise we middle-class dads would have so little to grumble about in terms of taking excess items. As it is, I can spend a whole day packing, unpacking and then moaning about it.
* borrows in the cut and paste/ full link sense rather than the plagiarism one, much as I’d love to pass your ideas off as my own…
I’m a big fan of cut and paste.
(BTW – in my last comment I implied that my wife had more than one mother. It was probably a subliminal response to a rather unconventional domestic set-up.)
Boot space is very important! HAVE to take double buggy, single buggy, scooter, baby bjorn and hippy chick to cover all eventualities…
Quite! Spoken like a true middle-class Mum.