The trick is to watch as much television as you possibly can while fervently denying that you take in anything more than the news and a couple of well chosen high quality serials.
Correct form: I only watch DVD box-sets and the news, really.
You must claim that the only reason you watch other programmes, the programmes you truly enjoy, in order to form an insight into the routine of your fellow working-man.
Correct form: Yes, I did watch one episode of the X-factor. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. It’s trash.
The following is particularly useful should you betray excitement about a series finale:
Correct form: Oh yes, I watched the final too. Wasn’t it dreadful? Of course, they gave it to the wrong person… It was downright fucking robbery. That Simon Cowell is a cunt. Of course, I didn’t watch the whole thing. Who won again?
It is also important to lament the demise of worthy programmes you never watched.
Correct form: Isn’t it sad about the South Bank show? Another nail in the coffin of British cultural life. I’ll bet they’ll just put more moron-fuel like the X-factor on instead.
Oh dear, that`s exactly what I do. Whenever anyone asks me about television, I reply, shocked and indignant: “Television? God no! In my free time, I read Kierkegaard. Shouldn`t everyone?”
When in fact, I watch Ugly Betty. Religiously.
I’m afraid that I’m guilty of trotting out the tired old cliches about how nobody in Britain makes decent drama any more(“It’s all reality shows now.” ) and that the best programme are from the USA (“They’re much more willing to take risks than we are these days.”). I must have read it somewhere.
I very rarely watch television now, thanks to the great time-wasting properties of the internet.
When I bought a flat in the 90s, I committed a terrible faux pas by having a big telly. I remember people coming into the room and looking horrified, as if they’d seen a porn mag on the sofa. In the end I stuck the television in our bedroom and installed a tasteful portable.
In my childhood, the true mark of being middle class was to only have a small black and white television, which would be hidden away in a barely-used room. Colour was vulgar. As for videos…
One of the saddest confessions I have is that I stopped watching the X-Factor when it came out how much of it was faked.
I went to the Guardian website, where everyone was all “oh, everyone knew it was faked, what’s all the fuss?”
Bastards.
Now, I only really watch box sets and The Daily Show.
Are you me? (I also watch DVDs from my childhood like Bagpuss and Ivor The Engine with my daughter. Oh and Mr Ben. Mr Ben is wonderful.)
I don’t think I am. Do we drink a lot? If so I suppose I might be and not remember, which would make this conversation rather solipsistic.
We’re drinking now!